Persistence pays off

After five and a half years of trying for a baby, 4 and half years under a fertility specialist, 6 metformin cycles, 9 clomiphene cycles, 8 IVF transfers, 2 miscarriages, acupuncture, herbal medicine, endometrial scratches, hsg, hysteroscope, melatonin, aspirin, donated eggs, $70 000, hundreds of blood tests, buckets of tears, moments of depression and despair, it gives me great pleasure to be able to finally say we saw and heard our little baby’s heart beating at today’s scan! Words can’t begin to explain the absolute joy we are feeling right now.  I think both my husband and I are still in shock as we are finally allowing ourselves to get excited about something we were wondering would ever happen to us.

This morning I was worried some of my pregnancy symptoms weren’t as strong i.e. boobs not as sore and tummy not as bloated. Mentally I was trying to prepare myself for both outcomes. I knew my husband was nervous too, although he did get some comfort in discovering I had demolished half a packet of crisps last night, something I wouldn’t normally do😊.  After a quick chat with the specialist about how we’ve been feeling I prepared myself for the scan. For a brief moment I thought there was no heartbeat but thankfully the specialist said it all looks good before repositioning and showing us what we’ve been waiting for, a tiny flicker of a heart beating.  I’m not sure if my heart racing was making baby’s heart beat faster but it was there, strong and fast and baby measuring perfectly at 7 weeks and 4 days. My husband teared up a little which I never see, so was such a special moment for us.

After four and a half years with the clinic it’s hard to believe we no longer need to count and plan day one cycles. I’m feeling a little sad to be discharged from the care of our specialist. He’s been an absolute Saint to us during treatment and I know he’s really gone out of his way to guide us through some pretty challenging times.  He has some antenatal classes at the hospital on Fridays which he’s invited me to, so hopefully I’ll catch up with him there.

It’s also been wonderful to finally be able to tell some family and a few close friends. We told my brother in the weekend while he was visiting from Australia, he asked if it was a natural conception which made me laugh as it’s probably one of the most unnatural conceptions!.

So I’m off to dig up all those pregnancy books I’ve had hidden for the last few years and I don’t think I’m too far away from investing in some pregnancy jeans. It’s been one hell of a ride to get here but right now we couldn’t be happier. What doesn’t break us, only makes us stronger! We are so ready to embrace this next chapter in our lives.


No news is good news

I think I’m still pregnant! Sometimes I feel very pregnant and other times I wonder if everything is still ok down there.

My belly gets very bloated and at times I feel I already look four months pregnant but am only 7 weeks!. I’ve been feeling pretty tired but I think that’s more to do with having a lousy cold that I can’t shake off. My boobs are definitely tender or that maybe from constantly poking them to check they are still tender😳. I did at one stage have terrible gas that had me rudely belching followed by awful heart burn.  I’m also slightly constipated but that’s probably from all the progesterone I’m having to insert every 8 hours, slowing down my digestion.

We are still super paranoid about losing our precious one, as it’s about at this stage we’ve previously had things go terribly wrong for us- twice!.  I’m constantly inspecting my underwear for any suspicious discharge and the pessaries are playing havoc with my mental state, as of course they eventually  dribble out giving the sensation of an oncoming flow.

We have an ultrasound scan booked for next Thursday and aren’t allowing ourselves to get excited until we see proof of a healthy heartbeat. I’m desperately counting down the days and hoping like crazy. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for us🙏

Panic stations

The last 30 hours I’ve been in a zombie, confused, crazily anxious state.

It all started early on Sunday morning when I visited the bathroom. As I was peeing I noticed the edge of my undies had blood on them.  I remembered during the night I had visited the bathroom and in the darkness had thrown out my panty liner, which I’ve been using to stop the pessaries making a mess of my underwear. I hastily scrumaged through the rubbish to inspect my discarded panty liner. I unravelled the toilet paper it was wrapped in and discovered it was soiled with blood WTF, cue panic!!! I wiped and inspected.. more blood! Nooooo, this can not be happening. I returned to the bedroom to tell my husband of my frightening discovery. I quickly called the clinic and tried my best to leave a calm message. In the meantime I was obsessively inspecting toilet paper after every bathroom use. I even disassembled the panty liner to try and work out how much blood there was and if it was fresh red blood. Sorry TMI, but I was literally going crazy.

Finally the clinic called back two hours later (thanks clinic) and as I choked back the tears I explained the bleeding situation, how much, what colour etc. I was told to take it easy and have a blood test Monday morning. Argh, that’s a whole 24 hours of going insane. What the hell is going on?. I basically read every forum on the internet regarding ‘bleeding at 5 weeks pregnant’ and was still none the wiser. Every subsequent bathroom visit revealed a brown, icky discharge.  I felt such a fool for believing that we might just get there. I spent most of the day on the couch staring into space in a semi depressive state. The fear of losing our precious wee gift was unthinkable.  As the day went on the bleeding didn’t get heavier and remained brown. According to Dr Google red blood equals danger. I went to bed after an extremely emotionally, exhausting day feeling like we were back to our original odds of 50/50.

The following morning when I visited the bathroom I prayed that I’d have a clean panty liner. On inspection it was and the bleeding had subsided. I decided to call in sick for work, in case we had to deal with the devastating news of an impending miscarriage. I did the blood test and anxiously waited, waited and waited.  I’d worked out this theory from past experience that the clinic call all the positives around midday and then at about 2pm they phone all the losers with the negative results. By 2.30pm I still hadn’t heard, and was turning into an anxious, crazy irrational loony. Finally at 2.45pm the phone rang and the nurse read the hcg level.. Very slowly… 3…9…8, heart sinks 398 means miscarriage ….1 3981!!!!! I burst into tears and explained to the nurse how I was convinced I was having a miscarriage and the late phone call theory, which by the way is incorrect. Faaaarrrrkkkk talk about stressful!! The fear of losing our precious wee baby was so incredibly scary.

Anyway all is swell and my uterus isn’t a monster. This body of mine sure is a mystery though. I don’t need another blood test done until next Tues.  Apparently bleeding is common and not necessarily anything to worry about. I’m so ecstatic we’re still in the game.  I feel like I need a strong gin after all that, maybe a hot lemon and ginger will suffice.

Still pregnant!

We had our second beta blood test today and I’m very pleased to say everything is right where it should be with a good rise in hcg levels phew!!

On Monday I asked my wonderful, amazing, egg donor friend if she was able to meet for lunch.  She knew we were expecting the pregnancy result soon but didn’t know exact details. I wanted to surprise her with the good news so didn’t give anything away in the corresponding text messages.

We met at a cafe and shortly after meeting up I handed her my phone and said “read this”, it was my blog post ‘could this be?‘.  I intently watched her read it and when she finished reading it she looked up with tears in her eyes and I told her I’ve had the results, its been confirmed -“I’m pregnant!”She screamed, we cried and had the biggest emotional hug.  It was such a magical moment that I’ll treasure forever.  Saying the two words ‘I’m pregnant’ are up there with saying ‘I do’ on your wedding day. I was so thrilled to be able to tell her that it had worked.

Then what do you know, the no nonsense specialist who did her retrieval came into the cafe.  Thankfully I don’t think he saw us but when I told her who he was we both were in fits of laughter, as she had no recollection of what he looked like.  I’m sure the cafe staff were wondering what on earth we were on – if only they knew😉

It’s crazy but I actually feel pregnant even though it’s apparently the size of a sesame seed.  I’ve been having some weird tummy cramps and my belly feels extremely bloated.  Last night I got up from the couch too quickly and I blacked out for a split second.  Hopefully these are all good signs.  Still super paranoid about losing it. We have another blood test in a weeks time… so hopefully those numbers keep on rising!


Whoop, whoop! I’m super-duper excited to finally say we are pregnant!👏   Beta blood test came back at 162 which is apparently in the 70th percentile, so got to be happy with that.

It’s a great start but by no means are we out of the woods yet. Infertility has robbed us of that over the moon happy feeling, as everything is approached cautiously optimistic.  When I told my husband the blood test result, he casually said ‘I’m not going to get excited yet’. I was kind of hoping for a bit more than that!.  I know I personally won’t even begin to relax until we’ve seen a strong heartbeat on the 8 week ultrasound scan.  A milestone we haven’t graduated past.  We’ve been there twice before full of excitement, when our dreams have been crushed and given the devastating news that we were having a miscarriage.

Apparently the risk of miscarriage is anywhere between 10-20% but given we have used donor eggs I can say I’m seven years younger and 30 years of age where the risk is lower. If we are fortunate enough to see a heartbeat on the 8 week scan our risk of miscarriage goes down to 5%. We were given a 40% chance this cycle would work and now we have a less than 20% chance it won’t, so already our odds of success have doubled. Definitely one of the biggest hurdles.  Each little hurdle is like a mile stone and once we get over one we anticipate the next.

I’m not sure if I’m imagining things but I feel pregnant, my tummy is more bloated and I’ve been peeing A LOT. I’m embracing all these little signs.  It’s strange but I had previously been nervous about using donor eggs but now that I’m pregnant I couldn’t care less.  All I care about, is that we are pregnant!😀

Could this be?…

Yesterday I caved and purchased a home pregnancy test from the supermarket.  I wasn’t going to do it but the suspense was too over powering.  I had cooked a special dinner for my husband and I thought it would be really awesome if I was able to ‘surprise’ him with some hopefully good news.

I’d purchased the cheapest home pregnancy test (hpt) and had to thread a little floatation tube thru the test strip so it could float in the pottle of pee. It’s weird peeing into a pottle thinking the whole direction of our lives depends on this result. Time seemed to slow down as I impatiently waited for the ‘dadah’ moment.  Nothing appeared… I waited a little longer and still only one distinct line.  Strangely I didn’t breakdown and cry, I just thought ‘f***, what the flippin heck are we going to do now!’.  I left the test strip on the bench as I pondered life and returned back to it about 10 minutes later.

Blow me down but if I squinted really hard and turned the test strip to the light this extremely faint second line had appeared.  I couldn’t stop over analysing it.  I’d put it down and would then get up to take another look.  What does this mean? Is it too faint to be of relevance?, is it a chemical pregnancy? or am I pregnant?. At 9 days post 5 day transfer if one is pregnant shouldn’t the line be darker? I had done the test during the middle of the day when my wee was more diluted so maybe this was why it was so faint?

 I returned to the supermarket to purchase another hpt so I could test the following morning when hopefully my pee content is a bit more concentrated with any lingering pregnancy hormone.  Unfortunately I was spotted at the supermarket by some students from work so I couldn’t bring myself to purchase it.

I was starting to wish I hadn’t done this to myself as I really was none the wiser, just a hell of a lot more confused and anxious.  My husband came home from work and I couldn’t bring myself to tell him.  I wanted to be able to positively, ecstatically announce ‘I’m pregnant’ not ‘ err I might be but don’t really know’.  I wanted him to still feel blissfully hopeful, like I had previously been feeling.

Unfortunately my over active brain woke me at 4am and I couldn’t get back to sleep thinking the worst.  I didn’t want to go to work feeling grumpy and questioning if this attempt had failed again.  I blurted out to my husband that I’d been naughty and tested early.  He just lay there in silence for a very long time. I felt sad for him… for us.  The thing is after 8 failed transfers (seven with my own eggs and one donor egg cycle) and nothing in the freezer we really don’t have much to fall back on.  What more can we do?.

Anyhow I begged him to go back to the supermarket with strict instructions to buy the most expensive hpt in the shop.  The wonderful man that he is, he walked back to the supermarket in the hail and sub Antarctic winds (as if he wasn’t being punished enough) while I anxiously waited and desperately held off peeing.

This morning I did my second hpt.  Once again nothing appeared and after approx 3 minutes this happened..


 There is no denying there is definitely a second line!  Could this mean I might just possibly be P R E G N A N T!👋👋👋. I still can’t believe it but I am feeling more hopeful.  Hold on tight peeps for the next post when I get my official blood test result tomorrow.  Please, please let this be🙏

Come on, give us a sign

I’m trying to feel ‘pregnant’ but at this stage it’s anyone’s guess. I want some obvious signs.. Sore boobs, aversion to certain smells,  a horrible hangover feel without the fun. I’m not feeling anything. Sometimes I wonder if I can feel a twitch in my uterus but I can make my eye feel twitchy if I think about it hard enough😳

I do feel grumpy and have terrible skin at the moment but that’s most likely due to all the female hormones I’m supplementing my diet with!

We have our blood test booked for Sunday but I’m working so I think I’m going to test on Saturday with a pee on the stick and then if it’s good news I can ‘surprise’ my husband and if it’s negative… well at least I’ll be a bit more prepared.



Today we finally had ‘transfer’ of our one and only embryo… I’m rolling with pregnant until proven otherwise!.  After over nine months preparing for this egg donor cycle I really hope everyone’s efforts will be worth it and we FINALLY get a positive result.  I’m sure our specialist and our friend/donor wants it to work almost as much as we do.

I’m trying not to dwell on the past and the ridiculous amount of s*** we’ve had to go thru to get to this stage.  I’m trying to remain calm but can’t help feeling paranoid that anything could jeopardise this pregnancy.  These are the things I’m paranoid about

  • Getting too hot or cold
  • Caffeine
  • Tight clothes
  • The ‘right’ food
  • excercise
  • Sex
  • Bending over
  • Having an electronic device near my tummy
  • Even pooping

I know it’s  ridiculous but after 8 transfers I’m going totally bonkers.  I’m not sure what we are going to do if this doesn’t work, it doesn’t bear thinking about. There’s nothing more we can do and have to patiently wait for whatever will be.. please, please, please let this work 🙏

Not without its dramas

I’ve been MIA for a month as I just haven’t felt it therapeutic to write. I needed a break from consuming my mind with fertility thoughts and wanted to be 100 percent zen like for our upcoming donor egg transfer- FAIL!!

It worked for a while as I had so many other distractions going on in my life. But infertility can’t be ignored and the enormity of things came crashing down on me the middle of last week. I met up for pizza and sangria with my friend who has donated her eggs to us. It was a fun night catching up but towards the end of the night I received a text from a mutual friend who wanted to say she knows our friend has donated her eggs to us and wants to wish us all the best.  It was a lovely text but it upset me.  I lost sleep over it and by the time I got to work the following day I was a mess.  I lasted 30 minutes before I had to depart and spent most of the day sobbing ugly howling tears.

The thing is my husband and I are very private people.  We’ve done some IVF cycles where nobody has known. Plus you learn along they way to protect/process your feelings prior to opening it up to the barrage of questions.  My friend/donor is the opposite and is very open about all aspects of her life. At our counselling sessions I raised this concern that my husband and I would prefer privacy on such a personal matter until we’ve fully got our heads around it all.  Once we know the result of a pregnancy we would tell our mutual friends.  We intend to be open with close friends and family but in our own time.  Of course the potential child will always know.  She would speak with her family about it and one mutual friend would know.  We don’t want her to feel she needs to get permission off us if she feels she needs to tell a friend but just to be mindful of our privacy.

Anyway this is the third friend telling me they know.  I felt so hurt that they had been in close contact with my friend through out the process and nobody had spoken to me.  I also felt this total lack of control over a situation that I know we have little control of.  I don’t mind too much that they know but it was the not knowing they know that I hate.  If I knew they all knew I may have done things differently and used their support.  I also would have liked to have been involved with telling these friends about something so personal to my husband and I.

I know my friend would have meant absolutely no harm in telling these friends as she very much wants this to work out for us.  It was just one of those things that although we have tried to be open and transparent with it all we’ve miscommunicated. That lack of control of the situation made me feel like running away from the process entirely.  With day one looming I knew I couldn’t go thru with the cycle without talking about it.  Some emails were sent and we met up yesterday for another chat.

I didn’t want to make her feel like we aren’t extremely grateful for what she’s done for us.  After all, the last thing we want is an act of kindness and generosity affect a wonderful friendship.  Thankfully she was extremely understanding of how I felt and slightly mortified that she had misjudged the situation.  She was very apologetic and I felt so much better getting it all of my chest.  I also sent some messages to our mutual friends.  Although I think I sent those when I was feeling very emotional so may have come across a little more cray cray than intended.  None the less some things needed to be said and a gentle reminder about our privacy.  I’m very aware things can’t be un told and talk spreads.  One of these friends dates my boss so of course my boss now knows😳.  Oh well at least I don’t have to explain my erratic behaviour and vanishing act from work.

There are very much pros and cons with using a known egg donor.  This would be one of the cons but there are a whole list of pros and I’m pleased to say we are back on track.  It’s a reminder how important communication is in this process and thankfully we can talk to each other about any concerns.  Which is just as well as what do you know, day one has come today!  I was thinking of delaying it another month but after talking things through with my husband and friend we feel as ready as we ever will be to get cracking with things.  After 5 and a half years of trying for a baby, 5 full IVF cycles, 7 embryo transfers, two miscarriages we are so ready for this.  So COME ON little embryo!!!

Time to chill out

Day one was on Monday which was supposed to be the start of preparing my body for our frozen DE embryo transfer but we’ve decided to wait another month. It was a hard decision as I’m so impatient and just want to get cracking on with things but after a few chaotic months I feel we deserve/need to just chill out for a bit. We just moved house last weekend, my wrist is still in a brace after fracturing it 7 weeks ago and preparing for a donor egg cycle has all made the last few months pretty intense. As we only have one embryo in the freezer after our donor egg IVF cycle I feel we can’t do anything that could potentially compromise things. I’m sure my body and mind will appreciate some down time.

Last weekend we gave a small gift to my wonderful friend who donated her eggs to us.  I had a ring made by a local jewellery designer.  It has a central sapphire stone, both our birth stones and is set in the shape of a protea flower which symbolises hope and change. It’s difficult to thank her enough for what she has done for us and regardless of what happens we feel so lucky to have such an amazing friend in our lives. Anyway the ring fitted perfectly and she loved it!